Peace

I am writing this post in memory of a family member of mine who passed away recently.  I will refer to him as PJ. He is my mother's cousin from Conneticut, however he was about 12 years older than me so I always saw him as my own cousin. My memories of PJ are minimal as I probably only met him 3 or 4 times.  From day one he was different from the other Indian kids growing up in America. He did not seem to be engrossed in his schoolwork and he always had difficulty finding his direction. He attended the University of Illinois for undergrad and for a few years he moved to Cincinnati to study environmental science/environmental engineering for graduate school. I always respected and looked up to PJ because he seemed so cool and indifferent.

To be honest, I can't recall what PJ's hobbies were or what he was trying to be in life. Everyone always commented on the things he would do or say which were slightly off or shocking, and somewhere in there they would mention how handsome he is in a tone that would suggest that he is not living up to his potential. There was the time we went to an Indian party and he was drinking a beer. He must have been 18 or 19 at the time, and someone walked up to him and asked if he was old enough to drink. His response was, "If I'm old enough to lose my life for my country I'm old enough to drink." It was bold and irreverent, and it apparently didn't bother him in the least that this Indian uncle would likely repeat the incident back to his family/friends and it would briefly circulate around the gossip mill. This must have been the last time I saw him, maybe 14 years ago.

We went years without seeing or hearing from PJ, but when he would contact my mother, he was always asking for money. We keep in touch with the rest of his family. When we met his uncle and sister, we always asked how PJ is doing, on occasion we would even pry. "He's fine. He's living in Conneticut now, trying to find his way."

What they wouldn't say is that he was depressed, and that he drifted from job to job trying to find purpose in this world. The details surrounding his death have likely been intentionally obscured. From what I have heard through family, he was in a fatal car crash and he was on prescription medications. Any other assumptions to the exact cause of death at this point would be pure speculation on my end. When a life ends early with still so many years to give and so much potential to be explored, it is nothing short of a tragedy.

In my mind, PJ will always be the cool older cousin wearing jeans, a New York Knick's shirt, and a Syracuse baseball cap. He will be the man who never cared what others thought of him, which may be the reason his extended family never saw him for years.  Perhaps if he had reached out for help, or if we had offered a hand...

May his soul rest in peace.